The Weight of a Name
Divorce is full of things that you once thought nothing of and can now all of a sudden bring you to tears. I talk a lot about taking inventory of the losses you grieve during a divorce. There are the big obvious ones… a partner, a companion, a family unit. Then, there are the smaller ones… a future vacation, the next child you wanted, a favorite dinner spot. And, right when you think you’ve covered them all, another will come at you. For me, one that I had a hard time letting go of was my name.
When I married my ex-husband, I couldn’t wait to change my name. It felt so official to really be a ripe young married 24 year old. It brought me blissful excitement. It was not only a new chapter and milestone, but a new identity to be proud of. In the same way you don’t ever think of divorce on your wedding day, you don’t ever think of giving up the name you’ve edged in this new you.
It’s a new signature, a new “can you spell that?”, a new phone contact in your best friend’s phone. Not to mention the official docs and social media switch. And, you get so used to it. Like how did I ever go by anything else (you mean for the first 24 years of your life!?)? Soon you’re meeting new people that only know you by this name and it feels like who you’ve always been.
Now, let’s add a baby to the mix. Who is now born in to that name. Sigh. This was the hardest part for me. I felt like as a mama, I deserved to have the same last name as my baby. She is an extension of me and I wanted that outward proof in our shared name.
It’s funny how time and healing make it all sting less. I remember feeling so sick to my stomach even thinking about my daughter’s bonus mom getting to share her same last name. Haven’t I been through enough? This was not fair. Why did I have to go through the school confusion of, “oh are you her mom? Sorry, different last name threw me off.” Then, there were those medical forms that really got me down. I wanted that printed last name line to match.
After many friends talking me off the ledge and giving myself time to accept this reality, I started noticing that a lot of women have different last names than their children. For professional reasons or simply because they didn’t want to change their name. And, you know what? I still go by both names. I am proud as hell for my married name because I love sharing it with the incredible man I am married to. Professionally I keep my former name in a lot of settings. And, I tell my daughter that each name makes up part of me. She will always be part of me and that includes her last name.
If this is a recent loss that has snuck up on you or you’re battling what to do with the name change, remember that you are your beautiful self regardless of your name. You may be looking at this as a piece of your fresh start and I absolutely love that. Maybe that former name makes you feel weighed down by the past and you’re ready to let it go. Go for it. If you are mourning the loss of sharing a name with your babies, please remember, YOU will always be their mama. And this is defined by SO much more than a name. Cheers to whatever name you chose to keep or leave. Trust that you know what’s best.