Book Teaser: The D Word

This book teaser is the point in my book where the divorce was decided and officially happening. Up until this point in my story, I was fighting for my marriage and all in to do whatever it took. I can’t believe I have already shared now 10 book teasers with all of you and that the release date of my book is this year! As always, thank YOU for all of the support in this venture.  

10. THE D WORD

“‘In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage.’ –Robert Anderson

If you and your spouse are still fighting FOR your marriage, keep at it! I am proud of you. Hold on to the truth that you WILL be a stronger couple because of it. I have seen many beautiful love stories come from the trials of an affair. If you come out of this, you will have a new level of closeness that only comes from overcoming something this awful. There is a way back from all of this heartache. I have seen it! I was surprised to find out all of the couples who have experienced some sort of infidelity in their marriages. When this happened to me, suddenly those amazing wives you feel like you’d never be even on your best day, were telling me about the dark and horrible periods in their marriage. What!? In those marriages that look totally perfect and all put together? Yes, in those marriages. Keep going!! It will ALL be worth it!

In my case, the choice was made for me. BD left and a divorce was what he wanted. As I said before, I was convinced this was not how our story would end. However, the cards were dealt and I am not a big fan of denying reality. My reality was the big D. We took the affordable route and actually went through mediation. Our mediator was really peppy and always misspelled our names. She was grinning ear to ear through the entire first meeting. I just wanted to scream, “Why are you smiling! There’s nothing to smile about!” At first, every time I got an email from her my stomach went to knots. Over time, the emails got easier and easier to read (not because there were less typos), but because emotionally I was healing and detaching. There’s absolutely nothing easy or pain-free about a divorce. 

Being the lover of all things self-help and personal growth, I joined a DivorceCare support group. For me, this particular group was equal parts helpful and depressing. Were there really other people in the world going through the same screwed up saga I was? What the hell was wrong with humanity?

It was helpful to commiserate with fellow victims. All of these people were left because of their spouse’s poor choices. The part of the group that was tricky for me was the self-evaluation part. What did we all contribute to our marriages that led to this. Well, for me (not to sound conceited), I did not contribute to the end of this marriage. BD would agree with this. On any day of the week. To anyone who asked him. I didn’t like that everyone in the group looked at me like I was a crazy person because I had a clear conscience about the fact I really didn’t contribute to the destruction of my marriage.

This group did help me through a lot of the shame that is tacked on with the D label. ‘Divorce is not something that defines you, it is something that happened to you.’ This is a very important point to remember even if you aren’t going through a divorce, but simply recovering from an affair. It doesn’t define you. It happened to you. It’s not who you are. It’s something you experienced. Don’t allow it too much hold on your future.

It taught me that in this shit storm you’re not just processing the loss of a marriage, but in actuality a full inventory of losses. You must grieve the loss of your spouse, your friend, your lover, your partner, your co-parent, the family you had planned, your next three kids, the bigger house, your travel plans. The list is long and each one must be grieved.

Divorce is beyond painful.

It’s painful because:

You loved your husband with all your heart.

You gave so much of yourself to him.

You worked at the relationship.

You trusted him.

You were faithful.

You thought you’d be together forever.

As you may recall, I advised the succinct response for when you’re in limbo, well same goes for when you are going through a divorce. If you are going through a divorce or are already divorced, come up with a standard and succinct response for anyone who asks, how you two are doing. It gets easier the more people you tell. The first time I said it out loud, I thought about dropping to the fetal position and sobbing. “We are actually going through a divorce right now … Yes, it is too bad, but completely out of my control, so I am doing what I can to move forward.” And scene! That covers how you’re doing and where you stand on all of it. Boom.

Breaking the news to people varies by the person, their level of friendship, the setting, and how many drinks have been had. Oh, the rants I’ve given after one too many beers. In all honesty, I felt like I always had to be ready and on guard for a run-in. That family from your old church or your next door neighbor who moved away or an acquaintance from high school or your hair stylist or the family members you kept in the dark … The list is long, but more often than not, I’ve found people to be mature and respectful. More often than not, people just give you “the best is yet to come” pep talk. Then there was the shock reaction. This always validated and depressed me all at the same time. ‘Right?! I know! We were a great couple and I was just as surprised!’ and in a different light, ‘Yes, I know… We were a great couple and I was completely shocked by it all.’

As I said before, there’s nothing easy about divorce. ‘Divorce is the ripping apart of two souls that were meant to be glued together for life. It’s never a clean tear, so the mending is not an easy road.’"

Image by Kelli Murray