As I read through what I have for this chapter of the book, I felt that it started off a tad too cynical for my liking. The point that I was trying to make was that the love you need for marriage is not one solely based on infatuation, but on committing to the action of love. You’ve heard it before, love is a verb. Anyhow, I took this teaser from a little further into the chapter. The time frame for this chapter was 9 months into the affair, 5 months since he had moved out. This chapter was our turning point, the period of time where everyone thought a miracle had happened in our marriage. My ex-husband came home, wanting me back, wanting our life back, scared to death that he almost lost it all. Well, spoiler alert! These desires weren’t exactly genuine. Here’s a little preview of the chapter that could have been a turning point toward a restored marriage, but instead was a turning point toward the new life God wanted for me. And as always, read chapters 1-6 if you haven’t already!
7. All You Need is Love (not)
“…I love holidays, probably more than the average female. The flowers, the cards, the gifts, the dinners, the cocktails … I just love celebrating! With this in mind, BD took full of advantage of making his grand take me back plea on Mother’s Day. And was it ever grand. Had he followed through with anything he said that day, we would be sipping pina coladas on a beach in Mexico right now. Mother’s Day morning we went to our favorite restaurant where we’d celebrated many occasions in the past. It’s not a real kid type of place, but we brought our daughter anyhow and it made it all the more wonderful. I sipped mimosas, she was smiley and adorable, and there was the man I married returning from a five month “deployment” from our family.
After we had been sitting and sipping for a little while, BD handed me an envelope. Inside the envelope was a heartfelt card (he always had a way with words) and some hand-made coupons. After I read each coupon, he then went through each promise adding his own personal explanation. As we both had tears in our eyes looking at one another, he said, ‘if it’s okay with you, I’d like to put this back on for good’ and pulled his wedding ring out of his pocket.
Sounds like the scene of a (somewhat twisted) romantic comedy, right? Well, in the months to come there was nothing romantic or comedic about anything in our marriage. I knew this was going to be real hard. I knew that trust needed to be rebuilt and restored. I knew there’d be sad days and even more awkward ones. I knew that we needed joint determination for our marriage to be salvaged. Most disturbing, in a sense, I knew I was going to have to watch my husband go through a breakup. Well, the homewrecker was not ready to let him go and her hold on him was pretty damn strong.
The day BD moved all of his belongings back into our home was full of crazed emotions. I left for the day with our daughter and gave him time to sift through and re-organize his life back into ours. I recall this day being difficult for him. We didn’t go into details of sorts, but he was leaving behind this disgusting life that he wasn’t ready to completely let go of. Leaving behind a whirlwind of elated forbidden experiences. Both of our hearts were sad this day, but for different reasons. That night was a fun and familiar one. We watched a movie together, enjoyed some favorite foods, and drank some beers. We felt like us again. The fun was there. Smiles, laughter, and our familiar love for one another. If only we could ride that high out for longer than an evening.
The happy would happen and then, what felt like immediately, the sad came to match it. The next day, I was reorganizing our closet and dresser. Finding places for his clothing to once again live. As I was unpacking his bright blue duffle bag, I started noticing shirts I didn’t recognize. Ones he had most likely purchased with her. A style that wasn’t quite mine or his …
The first month BD was home, he was still in contact with the other woman (behind my back). Their attachment was strong and seemed to have this delusional power over him. Emotional attachment is a bitch and is not easily broken. When the attachment is strong and still alive, no real work can be done on the marriage. And any work on the marriage that is attempted while the supposed attachment is still alive is not beneficial. It gave BD a false sense of ‘impossible’ in terms of the outcome of our marriage. All he could focus on was the fresh ‘heartbreak’/loss of ‘real love’. It became pretty clear, BD was not really ready to fight …”
Image by Philip Leclerc